I’ve been thinking about writing this post for the past month now.  I’ve been debating whether or not I wanted to talk about this at all on the blog.

One of the weird parts about having a personal blog is that it’s about your life, but you ultimately have complete control over what you post — what you do and don’t reveal to your readers.  And while I don’t have a large blog following by a long shot, and most of my readers are friends and family (hello, my mom and my grandma are my top commenters.  I’m very cool.), I still struggle sometimes with how “real” I really want to be on here.

That said, I’m just gonna jump in and get down to it.  I’ve decided to put it out there, because what’s happened is what it is, and there’s no getting around it.

A little over a month ago I found out that my position at work was being eliminated.  It’s sort of a long story, but due to my boss leaving the company after 10.5 years and a super-restrictive headcount, our department was forced to reorganize to accommodate the amount of work we have, and it was decided that my position needed to be leveraged to make room for someone with significantly more experience than I have.

Which sucks.

Ever since law school I have been working hard to try and get a job like this one.  And now that I’ve lost it, I’m sort of in this weird “what do I want to do with my life” state that I haven’t really experienced to this degree before.

The upside to this situation is that my company has given me a good chunk of time to figure things out — get a new job, whatever.  But the downside is that I’ve been pushed into this position of having to figure things out.  I’m also suddenly struggling with what I want to do with my life vs. my perception of peoples’ expectations of what I should be doing with my life.

I think everyone probably experiences this to some degree — feeling as though you should be doing something specific in/with your life.  (Should have a significant other by now, should be engaged, should be married, have kids, should have a house, should have a “career” job, should be making this much money, should be in better shape, should be more involved, should have this, should have that).  And it’s hard.  Because deep down you know that all of these external expectations should have no impact on the way you live your life.  You should just be listening to your own head, your own heart, and making decisions for yourself.

I sort of f@#$ing hate that word, should.

But all of that’s easier said than done, isn’t it?

Given that I suspect that a lot of people have felt or are feeling this way, I’ve decided to just be honest about my situation.  Because I’m currently stuck in this limbo of “what the heck am I going to do with my life?”  And really, more importantly, “what the heck do I want to do with my life?”

I’m not really sure yet, but I’m working hard to figure it out.

So, if you’re feeling a little bit stuck in the “what do I want to do/what should I do” vortex — I’m right there with ya.

Maybe we should commiserate over a cocktail.