Dear Holiday Nails: It’s like you’re a party on my fingers!  And even though I am totally the type to wear obnoxious glitter polish year-round, it’s extra fun around this time.

Dear People who have super-long conversations on their phone on BART during commute hour:  If I’m going to be smashed into someone’s armpit for 20 minutes, I’d prefer not to hear about how you’re moving this weekend and how your friend’s wife made him get rid of his “Brazilian room.”  And if you are going to have a conversation like this while we’re all smashed together, at least explain what the hell a “Brazilian room” is to the rest of us.

Dear Starbucks Near the Gap Building: If I say “dark roast” don’t think you can sneakily slip me the blonde roast because the Christmas blend is still brewing.  I’m paying way-too-much for this crappy cup of coffee; and yes, I will wait the 2 minutes.

Dear Banana Republic: I wish you carried size 5 1/2 shoes in store, instead of just online.  #firstworldproblems

Dear Christmas: Holycrap you’re coming up so soon!  I feel like I’ve barely had a chance to revel in the carols, treats, and holiday spirit!  (Although, I think I’ve just about had my fill of the present wrapping.)

Dear Rachel Zoe: As much as I love the dress I ordered from your collection, you apparently are under the impression that I have tiny T-Rex arms.  I don’t.  And now I have to sell the dress on eBay because it was final sale.  Wah.

Dear Invisible Internet Friends: Do any of you want to buy a brand-new, tags-attached size 0 gold sequin dress?  Retail was $365 (and sale is currently $146), but you can have it for $100 + shipping (if you need it shipped).  Perfect for the holidays/new year’s!  Email me if you’re interested at chelseago [at] gmail.

Dear iPhone 5s: You better be as cool as I think you’re going to be when you show up in the mail.  And I guess I should stop this whole “throw my phone around/drop it all the time” habit I’ve gotten into lately…

Dear 12 Dates of Christmas:  You’re the best.  You should happen every month.

Dear Hair: Sometimes I get really bored and fed up with you and consider doing something really drastic like dyeing you like this.  I might look like I’m in witness protection though..?

Love, Chelsea