Dear Prim: You have officially started moving forward with purpose. I guess I really do need to childproof now, huh? (And how exciting are laptop cords?!)
Dear Laundry: You are never ending.
Dear Elf: You make the mountains of presents I need to wrap seem bearable.
Dear JCrew: So literally your entire site goes on sale for Cyber Monday, except the one coat I want? Rude.
Dear Postpartum Body: Even if I did manage to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight (which feels impossible right now) I’m pretty sure things would still be weird.
Dear Santa: I’d like a faster metabolism for Christmas, please.
Dear Christmas Music: I can never get enough. You’re going to be playing 24/7 until the 25th (and beyond, because let’s just be honest.)
Dear Baby Socks: You are so damn difficult to keep track of. I’m constantly losing one freaking sock in the laundry, when we’re out and about, just pretty much anywhere. Why can’t you just stay on??
Dear Sleep: Remember when we used to meet up for like, long stretches of time? I miss that.
Dear Online Teething Information: Some babies get their teeth with zero discomfort? Really? Who are these amazing super-babies? I seriously want to know.
Dear Prim: Where did you even come from? You are so cute and have so much personality in that tiny little body. I love you so much.
Dear Baby Clothes Designers: Why is it that so few girls’ clothes come in navy blue? Apparently everyone and their mother wants to only dress girls in pinks and shades of white, but Prim looks great in navy… so, what the heck?
Dear Trader Joes: Your holiday cookie section will be the death of me (and my ability to fit into my jeans).
Dear Thanksgiving: You are a week away! I can’t wait, but I’m also totally overwhelmed by the fact that Christmastime is almost here and I feel so unprepared.
Dear Christmas List: Um, there’s nothing on you this year. I feel like I literally want nothing. (Or, really, everything I want is actually something for Prim.)
Dear Stress Level: Let’s, like, take it down a notch.
Dear Hands: I feel like there’s not enough lotion in the world to fix the dryness. Reptile hands.
Dear Hannah Andersson: I cannot wait to see Prim in her Christmas jammies!
Dear Hair: What… do I do with you… #garbagehair
Dear Sephora: You’re welcome for that boost to your bottom line last week. I told you I would buy all the things.
Dear Week; You’ve been a long one. Sometimes it’s like, “It’s only Tuesday?!” and then I want to punch someone.
Dear BART: I think you should really be called BARF, because seriously.
Dear Pumping at Work: Some days you’re not so bad, and other days you’re like THE MOST STRESSFUL EVER. Ugh.
Dear Hair: I think the postpartum hair loss has officially ended, which is so exciting! Now I’m just back to normal shedding-all-over-the-place instead of OMG-WHAT-IS-HAPPENING-why-is-it-EVERYWHERE??
Dear Sephora VIB Sale: I’m coming for you. Tomorrow.
Dear Bank Account: Get ready.
Dear Yves Saint Laurent Concealer: You might as well just be called, ‘Hey, are you a new mom? YOU NEED THIS.”
Dear Lentil Soup: You are delicious (which is lucky, since you make a whole mess of soup.)
Dear Life: There are a lot of big changes on the horizon. Why is it that things that are exciting are also usually really, really stressful?
Dear Starbucks: You kind of phoned it in with the red cups this year. (Just to clarify: I’m not mad about them being “anti-Christmas” or whatever, because let’s have bigger priorities in life, shall we?) All I’m saying is you could have put something on the cups. Maybe a Festivus pole to really piss people off.
Dear Penny: Prim is so obsessed with you. When she starts crawling, I’m pretty positive it’s going to be 90% because she’s determined to get to you.
Dear Prim: The fact that you’ve started rolling in your crib and sleeping on your belly is simultaneously adorable and terrifying (half the time she looks like she’s face-down on the mattress, which even though we’ve been reassured over and over that it’s fine even if she is, it’s still a little hard on this poor new mama’s nerves.) I guess I need to come to terms with your new sleeping position since that’s exactly how I sleep…
Dear November: What a wonderful month you are. Let’s get the cooler temps going, those pretty orange leaves everywhere, and rainnnn. Please and thank you.
Dear Thanksgiving: OMG you’re 3 weeks away? Jeez Louise, time is flying.
Dear Christmas Music: I’m only 3 weeks away from listening to you non-stop! KC can’t wait. 😉
Dear Teething: Is this gonna be forever?
Dear Candy: I’d like to stop eating you all the time but also I would like to keep eating you all the time… Dilemma.
Dear Time Change: It’s awesome to have an extra hour, but I’m still so tired. (I think it has way more to do with the teething than you, though.)
Dear Sports: Um, is it ever not [insert whatever sport] season? I’m so over everything.
Dear Mamas: When you have a baby sleeping does it seem like everything and everyone is the LOUDEST? Ugh, so stressful.
Dear Canon Rebel: I’m so glad that I started using you again. The iPhone is really convenient for snapping pictures, but it just doesn’t compare to some of the shots you’re able to get.
Dear Prim: I want to eat you up I love you so.
Dear KC: Thanks for getting my car washed this weekend. It’s pretty awesome to be able to actually see out the back window.
Dear Halloween: I’m so excited that you’re just about here! (And not just because once you’re over it’s full speed ahead until Christmas.)
Dear Bar Method: I’m making an effort to get back into working out again, but man you’re hard. (I think it might have something to do with that 10 week hiatus, plus, oh yeah, giving birth and what not.)
Dear Fluffy Chick and Friends: You’re normally not something I would ever consider buying for Prim, but she is OBSESSED with you.
Dear Pizza: Ugh, why must you be so delicious?
Dear Breastfeeding: It’s amazing how you make me feel like I’ve been walking through the desert for 100 years and never had a sip of water. So thirsty.
Dear Fates and Furies: I finally finished you. Still not sure whether I liked it or not, though.
Dear El Niño: I’ve heard you RSVP’d ‘yes.’ Still wondering when you’re officially going to get here.