Like I mentioned in part one, I had a lot of misconceptions when it came to breastfeeding. And once I was over the hurdle of figuring out how to get Prim to latch correctly and nurse effectively, I naively thought that my breastfeeding challenges were over. And while I was on maternity leave — they were, mostly. Prim nursed frequently and gained weight steadily. I had enough of a supply to pump at least once a day and start a stockpile of frozen milk for when I went back to work, and I navigated small challenges like oversupply and foremilk/hindmilk imbalance.

All in all, things were going swimmingly.

I returned to work at the end of September and started pumping every 3 hours while at the office. This was not only time-consuming (it took up about an hour and a half out of every workday), it was stressful.

Before I had Prim and started breastfeeding, I assumed that pumping (like breastfeeding) was just something you could do. There wasn’t any real skill to it — you just hook up the pump and all the milk comes out. How simple! But anyone who has pumped will tell you that this is definitely not the case.

Pumping is a learned skill/reflex. You have to be able to relax enough (and kind of trick your body) so your letdown reflex kicks in. If you’ve never breastfed before, think about it like this: it’s kind of like trying to pee in front of someone you really respect but aren’t good friends with — like the CEO of your company. Oh, and you’re sober.

Fun, right?

Every 3 hours I would gather my pumping pieces from my desk and the office fridge, trudge to a different floor, and take my top off. At work. Think about being topless at work for a moment. Sounds weird, right? Well, it is. Add to that that meetings run over into your pumping time, and do you really want to explain to that male VP that you have to duck out because you have to go do something involving your breasts? Yeah, neither do I.

And as if that isn’t enough, I was (and, honestly, still am) also constantly monitoring how much I pump while at work. Will it be enough to cover what Prim was eating that day? What if I have a bad session, would I be able to make it up later? Would my milk supply suffer?

And though I had had pretty much zero issues pumping while home on maternity leave, that was (and still is) unfortunately not the case for pumping at work. I regularly have bad sessions where I can’t get a let down to save my life, or have a bout of low supply just as Prim decides to chug (what feels like) a gallon of milk while I’m away.

The other thing I didn’t know about pumping is that it kinda SUCKS. It’s uncomfortable and just generally a pain. It takes a good amount of time, and there’s all these tiny pieces involved that you not only have to set up and break down, but then you have to spend time cleaning.

But enough about pumping at work, let’s talk about the other big issues that breastfeeding affects after giving birth: weight loss and time for yourself.

Before giving birth I had heard that breastfeeding was like a magical diet where you could basically eat whatever you wanted and still lose weight. I knew women who literally could not keep weight on while they breastfed. Some would lose five pounds over the course of a weekend. A weekend!

So, of course, I assumed that I too would be in this boat. How wonderful to have all that baby weight just melt off without even trying!

Well, as you might imagine, breastfeeding doesn’t work this way for everyone. For some people (including me), breastfeeding actually inhibits weight loss. Without getting into too much detail, breastfeeding affects your hormones, which, for some of us, puts our bodies into a sort of “survival” mode — meaning that we hold onto weight pretty much no matter what. (If you want to read more about this, check out this post — it explains a lot!) And to top it all off — when you have a baby, you’re generally exhausted and hard-pressed to find time for yourself. So the question becomes, “Do I really want to use this precious little amount of free time to work out? Especially if my body is just going to stubbornly stick at this weight anyway?”*

Which brings me to my next point — finding time for yourself when you’re breastfeeding.

Any mama will tell you, whether you’re breastfeeding or not, finding time for yourself when you have a baby is challenging to say the least. You’re their number one source of comfort, (I mean, hello! They were attached to you for 9 months! It’s no surprise that they come out wanting to be on you all. the. time.) and if you’re exclusively breastfeeding, you’re also their only food source.

This phase is challenging for so many reasons, but one of the main things I struggled with was the feeling that I didn’t want to leave Prim, but I also craved time for myself because I was never alone. (And to be honest — I’m still never alone. I’m not really sure when that phase actually ends!)

KC, sweet husband that he is, would say — “Take time for yourself! Go do something! Go out with your girlfriends to Napa for the day and go wine tasting!”

I love him for that, and I would have loved to do that (sort of. Once you have a baby it’s complicated.) I had to explain to him that the idea of doing that was great — jetting off to wine country to drink bubbly in the sunshine. But the reality was that I would have to make sure that I’d pumped enough milk before I left to ensure that Prim would be covered while I was gone, AND I would have to bring my pump with me and pump every few hours in order to keep my supply up (and to keep from leaking all over my outfit). And where would I pump? In a restroom? In the car? Would there be an electrical outlet available when I’d need to pump? Where would I store the milk? Would I have to pump and dump because I’d been drinking? Yeah… Not quite the relaxing escape that you envision when someone mentions “wine country.”

So, like most things when you have a baby — there’s no “easy,” and breastfeeding is just another piece of a very complicated puzzle.

Breastfeeding, as wonderful as it is, is a commitment, through and through. It’s not easy, but then again, neither is motherhood. And whether you nurse for years, months, days, hours, or not at all — we’re all just mamas making the best choices we can and doing the best we can by our babies.

*PS: At some point, (probably when it’s not so fresh and present in my life) I’ll post about the whole “postpartum body” and “losing the baby weight” thing. Everyone’s experience with this is unique and different, but being in the thick of it, it’s something that I do think is interesting and important to discuss (mainly because I’m definitely not in the “the weight just fell off! I’m basically Giselle Bunchen!” boat.) If you have any questions or thoughts about it in the meantime, feel free to post a comment.