Personal / Pregnancy

"Are You Pregnant?"

baby

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been asked that in the past few years.  Hundreds of times, at least.  And while I am now pregnant, the 30 years and 4 months which preceded this pregnancy — I was not.

I’m fully aware of the fact that KC and I have been together for a “long time,” given our ages.  And that we’ve been married now for close to 3 years (which, according to the outside world, is apparently an eternity to not get knocked up).  However, even given these circumstances, it still shouldn’t give people the right to basically ask, “So, what’s going on in your uterus right now?”

Because the world seems to have this fascination with calling out someone’s pregnancy first, “spotting a bump,” or somehow being the very first to know when someone conceives, you might be wondering, “Why shouldn’t I ask someone if they’re pregnant?”  Well, first, if you’re not pregnant — saying, “No, I’m not pregnant” opens the door to all other sorts of questions:  “Don’t you want to have kids?”  “Are you guys planning on having kids?”  “Are you going to have them soon?”  “Are you trying?”

Ignoring the fact that one of those questions is literally asking whether someone is getting down with their spouse on the regular without a goalie, these are all wayyyy too personal to ask someone, unless they want to volunteer the information to you.  There are all sorts of reasons that a person might *not* be pregnant:

– They just aren’t.  They’ve got other stuff going on and they’re not ready for children.  Maybe they’re trying to work through something sticky in their life or their marriage and don’t have the emotional space to deal with pregnancy.  Maybe they are ready for kids but their spouse isn’t.  There’s a hundred-plus reasons that someone might not be pregnant.  You just never know.

They don’t want to be — they’re not interested in having kids.  Contrary to popular belief, you can actually have an amazing and fulfilling life without kids.  They’re not for everyone, so don’t assume that because you want children, everyone else must want them too.

– They’re actively trying, but haven’t gotten pregnant yet.  From personal experience, this can be a really tricky time for people, as getting pregnant is not always as easy as high school health class would have you believe.  When it seems like everyone else gets pregnant at the drop of a hat, if it doesn’t happen that way for you, it can be a little tough and emotional at times.

They want to be, but are having trouble conceiving.  This is another extremely touchy subject.  I’ve had a few friends who have had difficulty conceiving, and it’s an extremely challenging and emotional process.  I think a lot of women grow up with the idea that getting pregnant is just something that is “supposed” to happen, and that it should be something that they can do with little difficulty.  Finding out that it’s not so simple can be devastating — and likely, not something you want to discuss with everyone.

They recently were pregnant but had a miscarriage.  Yeah, and then don’t you feel like an asshole for dredging up those feelings?  Miscarriages are extremely common (I guarantee you know multiple people who have had one, even if you’re not aware of it), and everyone deals with pregnancy loss in their own way.  Some people are very open and are willing to talk about it, but a lot of people suffer the loss in private and prefer to keep it that way.  So having someone asking them, “Are you pregnant?” after that’s happened?  Not cool.

Then, the flipside.  You are pregnant, and someone has just asked you, “Are you pregnant?”  Well, if you’re at the point in your pregnancy when you’re telling people you’re pregnant — great!  Problem solved.  But, if you’re still at an early point in your pregnancy where you’re not ready to share it with the world, this is extremely uncomfortable.  To illustrate this point a little better, here’s my experience:

The first trimester of pregnancy I felt like complete crap pretty much 24/7 starting day one of week 5.  I was nauseous, exhausted, and puking on a way-more-than-regular basis.  Though everyone talks about this “pregnancy glow,” I felt about as far from glowing as you can get.  Not to mention that it felt like I had the words “I’M PREGNANT” tattooed to my forehead and all I could see was how my body seemed to be changing at a rapid pace.

8 weeks into my pregnancy, we had a wedding to go to.  Two of our very good friends were getting married and we knew that a large contingent of our group of friends would be in attendance.  KC and I devised a plan to have me carry around a beer or glass of wine most of the night, periodically swapping it out with whatever KC was drinking so I wouldn’t be carrying a full beverage around all night long.  Despite the fact that I made sure to pose for pictures holding alcohol, toasted to the bride and groom with a half-full glass of wine, and made multiple trips to the bar to grab a drink, I still got asked by four separate people whether I was pregnant.  I laughed and turned it into a joke by saying, “What are you trying to say?  Do I look like I’ve gained weight or something?  Thanks a lot!” with a quick eye roll for effect.  But really, I was so extraordinarily uncomfortable, because I was pregnant — I just wasn’t ready to talk about it with everyone and their mother (literally).

I get that some people feel ready to tell the world about their pregnancy as soon as that little pink plus-sign appears, but I am not one of those people.  And I’d guess that there’s just as large a group of people who don’t feel comfortable talking about their pregnancy until they’ve reached a date a little further along than when that test comes up positive ( be it 10 weeks, 12 weeks, post-ultrasound, whatever).

So in the event that you’ve “spotted” someone who you think is pregnant (maybe, like me, they’ve done a poor job covering up their non-drinking at a social event), take a moment to think about the situation.  If they wanted to tell you, they would tell you, so there’s no need to ask.  Just file your observation away for when the announcement may come, and feel free to toss in an “I knew it!” if you really want to if and when it does. 🙂

3 thoughts on “"Are You Pregnant?"

  1. Grandma Lynn

    You write so perfectly and clearly. And I am so pleased for you, and your moms and dads,—and for me. I love the fact that I will be GGram x 2. I love you.

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